“I’m just not maternal,” said my friend as she plops in the chair, looking defeated. I suppose it had been a long day of work and caring for her 2 kids. I tried to show my empathy but I don’t think it was helping.

What does it really mean to be maternal? Does it matter if you are or not? Am I?

Recalling my young adult single years, living in Manhattan, I am reminded of my experience with children. Barely any. I had some friends that had nieces and nephews or worked with children as teachers. I always knew I wanted a family but never had any idea what it meant to raise children and what a family life would look like. You see, I didn’t have a conventional family life so I had little experience of what it would be once I had it. Only with just a smattering of spending time with my friends’ families, did I get a glimpse. 

I am an only child as I mentioned before in a previous post, raised by a single lesbian mother on Long Island, who worked long hours. On the weekends we didn’t go to kid friendly parks or activities, we did more adult things that my mom wanted to do or I spent the weekend with my friends. In 3rd and 4th grade, I spent a lot of time with one of my friend’s family. This is where I got schooled on a family life that I hadn’t seen before. Her mom picked us up from school, whereas I normally took the bus. We played in their cul-de-sac after school with her sister and brothers and the neighborhood kids, whereas I normally watched TV or played quietly by myself in my room. Her mom called us in at exactly 5pm every day to sit at the table together to eat very conventional kid’s food whereas I normally ate dinner whenever my mom got home and it was something more exotic and more often in front of the TV. Being at my friend’s house and seeing her reality was like living in a foreign country, that’s how different the experience was for me.

Needless to say, I had very little experience being in a traditional home and witnessing a traditional mother figure and family life. Being maternal I suppose was not something that came naturally to me. But my question is, does it matter? Can you still be a great mom without being maternal? Is it a prerequisite? 

When it came time to mother my own children, I do think it came naturally. At least the part of how to care for them in a physical way: feeding, sleeping, bathing, diapers, that sort of thing. Not that I enjoy those aspects very much. 

Now as they get older and develop more of their own personalities and interests, I feel strongly that I want to nurture and support them. Nurturing and supporting are qualities of someone maternal. Maybe I am? Does it mean to be maternal that you go through the motions to get their basic needs met or does it mean something more, like offering your support and guidance, being a listening ear? Does it matter what was your childhood experience of maternal figures?

What my friend said really got me thinking. I never really thought of myself in those terms. I am just busy being a parent and helping my kids be the best they can be. I do feel after exploring this topic a little that no matter your upbringing you can find a way to be maternal either by desire or natural instinct. In other words, being maternal can be learned and it can be learned on the job! If you don’t feel you have it, it’s worth exploring why you feel this way and to take action to build bridges with your children while they are still young. It’s never too late to be maternal.

Supermom to the Rescue!

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