My husband and I have this recurring argument about our children’s bedtimes. Luckily (or not) I have the task to put them to sleep most nights so my way gets precedence. You see, he thinks it’s not a big deal whether they get enough sleep or go to bed early, especially on school nights. I, on the other hand, am a rigid drill sergeant when it comes to sleep. I have another post all about my children’s bedtimes, their routine and the benefits so I won’t go into detail about it here.

I’ve come to understand that we often raise our children in the opposite way we were raised. And we often attract partners that fill some sort of unmet need from our childhood. As I’m re-reading “Getting the Love that You Want” by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, I see many connections between how we interact with our spouse and how we interact with our children. At least this seems so in my family.

Let me share with you what I mean by this:

My husband was raised in the Ukraine in the 70’s and 80’s. The environment that he grew up in was very strict and disciplined. The citizens of his country were required to conform to the many rules that all had to abide by and there was public humiliation if he didn’t live up to the requirements. These rules and rigidity were prevalent in his schooling and his home life. There was no room was flexibility. He felt constant discomfort to open up and express his emotions. It just wasn’t done. His parents, out of their own fear, taught my husband to keep things under wraps and stifle his feelings, that how he felt wasn’t important. He also felt that his parents were overbearing and didn’t give him the room to express and discover his own true talents and passions.

How this manifests now for my husband:

While there are a myriad of reasons why one parent’s the way one does, it has been pretty obvious where my husband gets his arsenal. First, I see a pattern because of his astrological sign. He seems to balk at structure and prefers to wing it. Second, he has a lack of real understanding of emotions and feelings, most likely from not connecting to his true self as a child but also may be a guy thing. I see that come out when we argue about bedtimes for instance. He doesn’t value a strict schedule because he had it all his life and it left a bad taste in his mouth. He doesn’t value rules and discipline because he never got to just be free.

On the other hand, I was raised with a single Lesbian mother in a very unconventional household. We were free and unfettered down to the frequent nudity in the house and nonconformist belief systems. Bedtimes were loose, clothing was optional, you get the drift. We ate vegetarian. We moved a lot and there was a rotating door of women and new experiences. My mom wanted us to be like gypsies, ever exploring and always on the move. Dressed as a gypsy for one Halloween, my mom draped me in head to toe scarves. The love of scarves never left me. I frequently dressed myself up in them, always making new outfits and parading around the house. Things were fluid and loose. 

How this manifests now for me:

This “freedom” often did (and still does) leave me with a sense of instability, like the floor will drop out at any moment. I don’t feel comfortable in a situation without a schedule and a plan. I spend my days preparing lists, planning out meals and organizing my day and week. It gives me a sense of control when things are aligned. Having been raised with loose rules, rules and structure become my comfort.

I am sure by now you can see why we parent differently and why the tension is high when we come to bedtimes and mealtimes and on and on. My husband and I are both still clinging to whatever gives us a sense of safety and somehow the kids just need to jump on board and adapt. With dad alone, they get to eat chocolate and watch violent movies late into the night. With mom alone, they are in bed by 8:30pm, having brushed and flossed. The diffuser is running with calming essential oils and everyone is tucked in nice. It’s obvious we both parent from our unmet childhood longings. I always wanted to be tucked in and cared for at a reasonable bedtime hour and my husband always wanted to get to have fun and do carefree things!

How do we resolve this? For us, what helps is if each parent is in charge of a certain area and the other cannot intervene or comment. For example, if my husband is putting the kids to bed on a certain night, I need to keep my mouth shut and avoid pressuring him or criticizing. There are also days or evenings when the other parent isn’t around so that absent parent has to let go and trust that the other parent has it all covered.

Few things that can be discovered here, based on my own understanding and experience: 

1. Parenting from our lacks and wounded areas where we feel were unmet from childhood is very common but also can be a great learning tool.
2. Becoming aware of our motivations for parenting and our triggers also starts the process of healing them.
3. Understanding that our partners are doing the same thing and allowing them the freedom to find what makes them feel safe is also healing for them.
4. Leaving criticism at the door and having a real curiosity for our internal motivations and our partners creates balance and harmony in the home.

Supermom to the Rescue!